Spoiling Children:
The Eight Myths
Spoiling Children Myth #1
You will spoil your baby if you handle her too much. You should let her cry sometimes.
Reality: You can not spoil a baby. Babies need to be touched, squeezed, coddled, and held. Babies cry because they are hungry, sick, wet, messy, or desire attention. Pick up your baby and hold her. Do it as often as you like.
Spoiling Children Myth #2
Kids should not grow up believing they can have anything they want.
Reality: It is desirable and an example of effective parenting to teach children they can have anything they want. They may have to work for it though. And they may not get it at this moment.
When you are shopping and your child asks, "Can I have one of those?" respond with, "Sure, how are you going to pay for it?" or "What are you willing to do to get it?" Ask, "How much money do you have?' or ""Do you have a plan for getting it?"
Our job as parents is to help our children learn they can have whatever they want if they are willing to work for it. During the process of figuring out how to get whatever it is they desire, they may learn about problem-solving, planning, setting priorities, and goal achievement. They may even come to see themselves as being able to create what they want in their own lives. That is about as far from being spoiled as you can get. We call this phenomena self-responsibility.
Spoiling Children Myth #3
Spoiled children exist.
Reality: There is no such thing as a spoiled child. Spoiled is an inference, a judgment that people make after noticing behaviors.
Are there children who act as if they are entitled? Yes. Are there children who whine until the parents cave in? Yes. Are there children who pout if they don't get their way? Yes. Are there children who seem unappreciative of small gifts? Yes. Does that make them spoiled? NO. It makes them children who have learned or are trying out new behaviors in an attempt to get what they want.
Children who do the behaviors in the paragraph above are not spoiled. They are children who are choosing inappropriate behaviors, behaviors that need to be redirected, that need to be replaced with other choices. These are children that need to be taught more effective ways of interacting, of asking for what they want, of expressing their feelings.
Spoiling Children Myth #4
Spoiled is a good descriptor of some children.
Reality: Spoiled is never an accurate descriptor of children. Spoiled does not describe a behavior. It judges it.
Do not label children as spoiled. Not aloud, nor in your head. When you label children as spoiled you tend to believe they are spoiled. When you believe they are spoiled you are more likely to notice anything they do that could be interpreted as spoiled. When you see things that can be interpreted as spoiled you prove your belief to yourself that the child is indeed spoiled. Your belief then becomes entrenched and you eventually communicate your belief to your child and she begins to see herself as spoiled.
Spoiling Children Myth #5
It's important to tell children when they are acting spoiled and call them on it.
Reality: Labeling children spoiled or telling they are acting spoiled in never a good parenting move. When you call a child spoiled what he likely hears is not "spoiled." He is more likely to hear "spoiled rotten." Do you want your child thinking of himself as spoiled rotten?
When you notice yourself thinking a child is spoiled, ask yourself, "What is the behavior he is doing that I am judging as spoiled?" Then communicate a description of that behavior along with any other helpful information you need to share. "Jenny, I see you sitting with your head down and a frown on your face. Would you like to tell me about that?" "Chico, that sounds like whining. Whining doesn't work with me. Your best hope of getting what you want is to tell me in a normal voice and explain what you are willing to do to help get it." "Roland, I noticed you paid little attention to grandma's gift and shared no words of appreciation. Is there some way you could honor her giving even if you didn't like the gift?"
Spoiling Children Myth #7
Children who have an abundance of material things are likely to be spoiled.
Not true.
A friend of ours recently bought a horse for his two young boys. A close friend of his, hearing of the purchase said, "There you go again spoiling your children."
Is it spoiling the children if they contribute to the purchase price, clean stalls, and play a role in feeding and grooming the horse? Is it spoiling them if they learn lessons about safety around large animals, bond with another of God's creatures, and learn about the self-discipline it takes to become an accomplished rider? Is it spoiling them if they connect with their father working side by side in the barn, sweating, laughing, and learning about each other?
Whether a child has a 10 speed bicycle, a horse, or a convertible is not an indication of whether or not she is spoiled. Look instead to how the material object was obtained, how it is used, and to the child's attitude about it. That will give you more information about "spoiled" than the amount of material things she has.
Spoiling Children Myth #8
Spoiled children need to change
No, parents need to change. Parents need to change their attitudes about spoiled children and see instead a child who is attempting to satisfy his needs with an ineffective behavior. They need to change their own behaviors and be willing to take the time to teach new behaviors to their children. They need to be willing to confront, deal with conflict, and take the time to do solution-seeking.
Getting Kids To Talk About School
"What Did You Learn in School Today?
Tips for Getting Your Kids to Talk about School
"What did you learn in school today?"
"Nothing."
"Anything interesting happen?
"Nope."
"Did you like it?"
"It was OK."
Does getting your kids to offer information about school seem more difficult than pulling teeth? Do you ever feel like a lawyer cross examining your child in an attempt to find out what's really happening at school? Do you wish your child would volunteer more information about his educational experience so you wouldn't have to ask so often? If so, this article is for you.
Employ the following do's and don'ts to increase your child's willingness to share useful and important information about his school experience.
Don't play 20 questions. Ask a few questions each day and rotate them. No one likes being asked the same question every day. And no one likes being asked 20 questions on any one day. It feels like prying and gives the child one more reason to clam up. Scale back the number of questions you ask.
Do ask questions that require more than a one word response. "Did you have a good day today?" and "How did it go today?" require one word answers. If you ask that kind of question you do not encourage a lengthy response. The child can answer, "Yes," and "Fine." Instead, ask a question that requires some thought. "Tell me about the most interesting thing that happened to you today," and "What surprised you about school today?" will usually generate more lengthy responses.
Do use the "Say some more" technique to encourage your child to expand on a brief answer. After a short response, use the phrase, "Say some more" to elicit further information. Say some more is invitational and sounds less like a question. "Please continue," "Go on." and "Keep going" are parent talk phrases that encourage the child to keep talking.
Don't seem desperate. Children can smell desperation. It gives them a sense of power to withhold from an adult something the adult appears to want so badly. When you come across as wanting information desperately you encourage the child to cling on to whatever it is she has that seems so valuable to you.
Do use your parenting network to glean school information. If you don't have one, get one. Rely on the other parents in your child's classroom to provide you information. Remember, in a network, information flows both ways. So when you have useful information or hear a disturbing report contact the parents in your network. See what they know and share what you have learned.
Do encourage your child to invite friends over. Your child will talk more freely in the presence of peers. Ask occasional questions to the friend to show your interest. Often the friend will tell you more than your own child. In addition, you will often overhear your child and her friends talking about school. Be still and listen.
Don't ask questions to which you already know the answer. This is a set-up for your child. He may not answer the way you expect and then you are in the position of trying to determine if he is lying or hiding something. Instead, tell him what you know and ask for further clarification from his point of view.
If your child ever starts talking about school, do stop talking and assume the listening stance. Give your child the space to talk. Listen non-judgmentally. Nothing will stop the flow if information faster than judging what is said. When you react like a judge the information flow dries up.
Don't expect that your child is going to tell you everything that goes on at school. It's not going to happen. Be active and involved. Find out what is going on by being present. Get involved at school. Talk to the teachers regularly.
Do create family times where conversation predominates. If the TV is on during dinner there is no space left for talk. If the radio and walkman's are on in the car, when can talk occur? Set the norm by talking about your day during these times. Be the change you would like to encourage in your family.
There is no quick fix to get your kids talking about school. There is only a series of strategies that need to be implemented and used consistently throughout the school year. These skills will work if you work the skills. Your child didn't learn to be silent about school information overnight and she won't learn to speak more freely overnight either. Invest the time. You, your child, and your child's education are worth it.
Tips for Getting Your Kids to Talk about School
"What did you learn in school today?"
"Nothing."
"Anything interesting happen?
"Nope."
"Did you like it?"
"It was OK."
Does getting your kids to offer information about school seem more difficult than pulling teeth? Do you ever feel like a lawyer cross examining your child in an attempt to find out what's really happening at school? Do you wish your child would volunteer more information about his educational experience so you wouldn't have to ask so often? If so, this article is for you.
Employ the following do's and don'ts to increase your child's willingness to share useful and important information about his school experience.
Don't play 20 questions. Ask a few questions each day and rotate them. No one likes being asked the same question every day. And no one likes being asked 20 questions on any one day. It feels like prying and gives the child one more reason to clam up. Scale back the number of questions you ask.
Do ask questions that require more than a one word response. "Did you have a good day today?" and "How did it go today?" require one word answers. If you ask that kind of question you do not encourage a lengthy response. The child can answer, "Yes," and "Fine." Instead, ask a question that requires some thought. "Tell me about the most interesting thing that happened to you today," and "What surprised you about school today?" will usually generate more lengthy responses.
Do use the "Say some more" technique to encourage your child to expand on a brief answer. After a short response, use the phrase, "Say some more" to elicit further information. Say some more is invitational and sounds less like a question. "Please continue," "Go on." and "Keep going" are parent talk phrases that encourage the child to keep talking.
Don't seem desperate. Children can smell desperation. It gives them a sense of power to withhold from an adult something the adult appears to want so badly. When you come across as wanting information desperately you encourage the child to cling on to whatever it is she has that seems so valuable to you.
Do use your parenting network to glean school information. If you don't have one, get one. Rely on the other parents in your child's classroom to provide you information. Remember, in a network, information flows both ways. So when you have useful information or hear a disturbing report contact the parents in your network. See what they know and share what you have learned.
Do encourage your child to invite friends over. Your child will talk more freely in the presence of peers. Ask occasional questions to the friend to show your interest. Often the friend will tell you more than your own child. In addition, you will often overhear your child and her friends talking about school. Be still and listen.
Don't ask questions to which you already know the answer. This is a set-up for your child. He may not answer the way you expect and then you are in the position of trying to determine if he is lying or hiding something. Instead, tell him what you know and ask for further clarification from his point of view.
If your child ever starts talking about school, do stop talking and assume the listening stance. Give your child the space to talk. Listen non-judgmentally. Nothing will stop the flow if information faster than judging what is said. When you react like a judge the information flow dries up.
Don't expect that your child is going to tell you everything that goes on at school. It's not going to happen. Be active and involved. Find out what is going on by being present. Get involved at school. Talk to the teachers regularly.
Do create family times where conversation predominates. If the TV is on during dinner there is no space left for talk. If the radio and walkman's are on in the car, when can talk occur? Set the norm by talking about your day during these times. Be the change you would like to encourage in your family.
There is no quick fix to get your kids talking about school. There is only a series of strategies that need to be implemented and used consistently throughout the school year. These skills will work if you work the skills. Your child didn't learn to be silent about school information overnight and she won't learn to speak more freely overnight either. Invest the time. You, your child, and your child's education are worth it.
Fear of Failure: A Childhood Epidemic
Fear of failure among children today is at epidemic proportions. Fear of failure causes children to experience debilitating anxiety before they take a test, compete in a sport, or perform in a recital. It causes them to give less than their best effort, not take risks, and, ultimately, never achieve complete success.
Cause of Fear of Failure
Children get this destructive perspective on failure from American popular culture. Popular culture defines failure as being poor, anonymous, powerless, unpopular, or physically unattractive. On television and in the movies, the losers—nerds, unattractive people, poor athletes—are teased, bullied, and rejected. With this definition of failure, popular culture has created a culture of fear and avoidance of failure. It has conveyed to children that if they fail, they will be ostracized by their peers and branded as losers for life!
Parents Make Things Worse
Many parents have fallen under American popular culture's spell of failure as well. They've compounded the harm that failure can inflict on children by also connecting their own love and approval with it. The message children get is "I won't love you if you get bad grades." They come to see failure as a threat to their personal and social standing.
The Stigma of Failure
There is no greater stigma in American popular culture than being labeled a loser. The expression loser has become an oft-used and enduring symbol in popular culture. To be called a loser is, to paraphrase a well-known sports cliché, worse than death because you have to live with being a loser.
Avoiding Failure
Children learn that they can avoid failure three ways:
Children don't engage in an activity in which they fear failure. If children don't participate, they're safe from failure. Injury, illness, damaged equipment, forgotten or lost materials, apparent lack of interest or motivation, or just plain refusal to take part are common ways in which children can avoid failure and maintain their personal and social esteem.
Children can also avoid failure by failing in an activity, but protect themselves from the failure by having an excuse—"I would have done well, but I just didn't feel like it" or "I would have done just fine, but the teacher was totally unfair." Because their failures were not their fault, children can't be held responsible and popular culture and their parents must continue to accept and love them.
Many children don't have the luxury of not taking part or coming up with excuses, for example, children can't just not go to school. So another way that children can avoid failure is to get as far away from failure as possible by becoming successful. But children who are driven to avoid failure are stuck in limbo between failure and real success, what I call the "safety zone," in which the threat of failure is removed, for example, they have a B+ average or finish in the top 10 in their sport, but they are unwilling to intensify their efforts to fully achieve success.
The Value of Failure
Failure is an inevitable—and essential—part of life. Failure can bolster the motivation to overcome the obstacles that caused the failure. It shows children what they did wrong so they can correct the problem in the future. Failure connects children's actions with consequences which helps them gain ownership of their efforts. Failure teaches important life skills, such as commitment, patience, determination, decision making, and problem solving. It helps children respond positively to the frustration and disappointment that they will often experience as they pursue their goals. Failure teaches children humility and appreciation for the opportunities that they're given.
Of course, too much failure will discourage children. Success is also needed for its ability to bolster motivation, build confidence, reinforce effort, and increase enjoyment. As children pursue their life goals, they must experience a healthy balance of success and failure to gain the most from their efforts.
Defining Failure
To protect children from popular culture's destructive definitions of failure, give them positive definitions of failure. I define failure in ways that encourage children to value rather than fear it.
Failure is not living in accordance with their values. When children cheat, lie, or don't take responsibility for themselves, then they fail.
When children buy into popular culture's definition of success, for example, being overly concerned with popularity or appearance, then they fail.
Failure involves children not giving their best effort, making poor decisions, and not doing what is in their best interest.
When children look for the easy way out, are influenced by peer pressure, and act in ways that can hurt them, then they fail.
Failure also means treating others poorly and not giving back to their families, communities, and the world as a whole. When children are selfish, uncaring, and disrespectful of the world in which they live, then they fail.
Giving children a definition of failure that takes away the fear liberates them from that fear. It also frees them to strive for success without reservation, to explore, take risks, and vigorously pursue their dreams. Children will know in their hearts that some failure is okay and in no way a negative reflection on themselves as people. Finally, failure will ultimately enable them to achieve success, however they define it.
Cause of Fear of Failure
Children get this destructive perspective on failure from American popular culture. Popular culture defines failure as being poor, anonymous, powerless, unpopular, or physically unattractive. On television and in the movies, the losers—nerds, unattractive people, poor athletes—are teased, bullied, and rejected. With this definition of failure, popular culture has created a culture of fear and avoidance of failure. It has conveyed to children that if they fail, they will be ostracized by their peers and branded as losers for life!
Parents Make Things Worse
Many parents have fallen under American popular culture's spell of failure as well. They've compounded the harm that failure can inflict on children by also connecting their own love and approval with it. The message children get is "I won't love you if you get bad grades." They come to see failure as a threat to their personal and social standing.
The Stigma of Failure
There is no greater stigma in American popular culture than being labeled a loser. The expression loser has become an oft-used and enduring symbol in popular culture. To be called a loser is, to paraphrase a well-known sports cliché, worse than death because you have to live with being a loser.
Avoiding Failure
Children learn that they can avoid failure three ways:
Children don't engage in an activity in which they fear failure. If children don't participate, they're safe from failure. Injury, illness, damaged equipment, forgotten or lost materials, apparent lack of interest or motivation, or just plain refusal to take part are common ways in which children can avoid failure and maintain their personal and social esteem.
Children can also avoid failure by failing in an activity, but protect themselves from the failure by having an excuse—"I would have done well, but I just didn't feel like it" or "I would have done just fine, but the teacher was totally unfair." Because their failures were not their fault, children can't be held responsible and popular culture and their parents must continue to accept and love them.
Many children don't have the luxury of not taking part or coming up with excuses, for example, children can't just not go to school. So another way that children can avoid failure is to get as far away from failure as possible by becoming successful. But children who are driven to avoid failure are stuck in limbo between failure and real success, what I call the "safety zone," in which the threat of failure is removed, for example, they have a B+ average or finish in the top 10 in their sport, but they are unwilling to intensify their efforts to fully achieve success.
The Value of Failure
Failure is an inevitable—and essential—part of life. Failure can bolster the motivation to overcome the obstacles that caused the failure. It shows children what they did wrong so they can correct the problem in the future. Failure connects children's actions with consequences which helps them gain ownership of their efforts. Failure teaches important life skills, such as commitment, patience, determination, decision making, and problem solving. It helps children respond positively to the frustration and disappointment that they will often experience as they pursue their goals. Failure teaches children humility and appreciation for the opportunities that they're given.
Of course, too much failure will discourage children. Success is also needed for its ability to bolster motivation, build confidence, reinforce effort, and increase enjoyment. As children pursue their life goals, they must experience a healthy balance of success and failure to gain the most from their efforts.
Defining Failure
To protect children from popular culture's destructive definitions of failure, give them positive definitions of failure. I define failure in ways that encourage children to value rather than fear it.
Failure is not living in accordance with their values. When children cheat, lie, or don't take responsibility for themselves, then they fail.
When children buy into popular culture's definition of success, for example, being overly concerned with popularity or appearance, then they fail.
Failure involves children not giving their best effort, making poor decisions, and not doing what is in their best interest.
When children look for the easy way out, are influenced by peer pressure, and act in ways that can hurt them, then they fail.
Failure also means treating others poorly and not giving back to their families, communities, and the world as a whole. When children are selfish, uncaring, and disrespectful of the world in which they live, then they fail.
Giving children a definition of failure that takes away the fear liberates them from that fear. It also frees them to strive for success without reservation, to explore, take risks, and vigorously pursue their dreams. Children will know in their hearts that some failure is okay and in no way a negative reflection on themselves as people. Finally, failure will ultimately enable them to achieve success, however they define it.
Reverse Psychology
Even parents who don't effectively use other parenting techniques, like time-out, using natural and logical consequences, distraction or extinction, likely know about reverse psychology.
Using this technique, to get your kids to finish their dinner, you might say something like:
"I bet you can't eat all of those peas in 30 seconds."
or when trying to get him to put away a toy, you might say:
"I'll put it away for you. You probably don't know how to fit it all back in the box anyway."
So you are essentially trying to get your child to do the exact opposite of what you really want him to do.
This should not be confused with trying to make chores fun. If you say 'let's see who can put more toys away in 5 minutes,' then that isn't reverse psychology, since you are actually telling him to do what you what him to do.
It also can work to 'encourage' your child to not do something that they really want to do. For example, you might try to scare your child into not crossing the street by saying:
"OK. Go ahead and cross the street by yourself. You'll just get hit by a car..."
Does Reverse Psychology Work
Parents who use reverse psychology as a discipline technique recognize that it can work. But is it good parenting?
If your child is getting bad grades, is it really a good idea to say:
"That's okay. You're probably not smart enough to make better grades anyway"?
Some kids might study more after being told that by a parent, but many others will simply think that they aren't smart and should stop trying to make better grades.
When using reverse psychology, if you consider that you are more 'manipulating' your child than anything else, then all of a sudden it takes on a more negative tone and doesn't seem like good parenting. After all, discipline is supposed to be about teaching, isn't it?
Also, reverse psychology doesn't always work. And when it does, a more traditional discipline technique would likely have worked just as well.
Using Reverse Psychology
If you do use reverse psychology, don't use it often. And don't use it in a way that might hurt your child's self-esteem or make him feel guilty.
For example, if your toddler or preschooler doesn't want to take a bath in the evening, you might say 'okay, let's just go straight to bed then.' That will probably work, because most younger kids would rather do almost anything than go to bed early.
Or if she doesn't want to sit in her car seat, you might say 'fine, then we just won't go to the zoo.'
Why are these examples more appropriate then the ones mentioned above? While you are still trying to get your child to do something that they don't want to do, you are offering them choices instead of simply trying to manipulate them in a negative way to do something.
Using pure reverse psychology, for the kids not wanting to take a bath, a parent would probably say:
"OK, don't take a bath. Then you will smell bad and no one will like you" or "you will get sick from the germs on your body and have to go to the emergency room"
So go ahead and use reverse psychology, as long as you don't mind paying for years of therapy later on to boost your child's self-esteem and fix any damage you do...
Using this technique, to get your kids to finish their dinner, you might say something like:
"I bet you can't eat all of those peas in 30 seconds."
or when trying to get him to put away a toy, you might say:
"I'll put it away for you. You probably don't know how to fit it all back in the box anyway."
So you are essentially trying to get your child to do the exact opposite of what you really want him to do.
This should not be confused with trying to make chores fun. If you say 'let's see who can put more toys away in 5 minutes,' then that isn't reverse psychology, since you are actually telling him to do what you what him to do.
It also can work to 'encourage' your child to not do something that they really want to do. For example, you might try to scare your child into not crossing the street by saying:
"OK. Go ahead and cross the street by yourself. You'll just get hit by a car..."
Does Reverse Psychology Work
Parents who use reverse psychology as a discipline technique recognize that it can work. But is it good parenting?
If your child is getting bad grades, is it really a good idea to say:
"That's okay. You're probably not smart enough to make better grades anyway"?
Some kids might study more after being told that by a parent, but many others will simply think that they aren't smart and should stop trying to make better grades.
When using reverse psychology, if you consider that you are more 'manipulating' your child than anything else, then all of a sudden it takes on a more negative tone and doesn't seem like good parenting. After all, discipline is supposed to be about teaching, isn't it?
Also, reverse psychology doesn't always work. And when it does, a more traditional discipline technique would likely have worked just as well.
Using Reverse Psychology
If you do use reverse psychology, don't use it often. And don't use it in a way that might hurt your child's self-esteem or make him feel guilty.
For example, if your toddler or preschooler doesn't want to take a bath in the evening, you might say 'okay, let's just go straight to bed then.' That will probably work, because most younger kids would rather do almost anything than go to bed early.
Or if she doesn't want to sit in her car seat, you might say 'fine, then we just won't go to the zoo.'
Why are these examples more appropriate then the ones mentioned above? While you are still trying to get your child to do something that they don't want to do, you are offering them choices instead of simply trying to manipulate them in a negative way to do something.
Using pure reverse psychology, for the kids not wanting to take a bath, a parent would probably say:
"OK, don't take a bath. Then you will smell bad and no one will like you" or "you will get sick from the germs on your body and have to go to the emergency room"
So go ahead and use reverse psychology, as long as you don't mind paying for years of therapy later on to boost your child's self-esteem and fix any damage you do...
Getting Kids To Do Chores
Q: It's nearly impossible to get my kids to do anything around the house. I know I must sound like my own mother, but when I was young, my siblings and I had a whole list of chores to do every day. And we did them without complaining. Is there anything I can do to get my kids to cooperate a little more?
A: Once upon a time, even the youngest kids had clear-cut duties around the house. It might have been bringing in firewood, feeding the chickens, or whitewashing fences. For better or worse, however, those days are long gone.
Today, it's a lot more likely that getting a child to do a chore as small as loading the dishwasher or taking out the garbage once a week will be like pulling teeth. Even worse, when you do ask a kid to so something, there's a good chance she'll demand to know "How much am I going to get paid for doing this?" Frustrating, but at least you can take some comfort in knowing that that your child has a firm grasp on how the free enterprise system works.
Sure, special jobs, like painting that shed in the backyard, or helping you replant your garden might involve some type of payment (which could be cash or something like a trip to a ballgame), most jobs around the house should just fall under the general heading of "family duties."
No one gets paid for setting the table, making dinner, or cleaning off the dishes. These are things that family members do to contribute to the running of the house. A child's weekly allowance should be independent of chores. In other words, don't tie taking out the garbage to a direct payment.
The trick to instilling a domestic work ethic in your child is two-fold: Lead by example and start early. From the earliest age, your kids look at you for clues on how to act. If they see that you don't put your things away, hang up your clothes, clear your dishes from the table, and so on, they'll get the signal loud and clear that they can leave stuff around for someone else to pick up—that's going to be you.
On the other hand, if you start with making your toddler put away his toys when he's done playing with them and have him straighten up his room once a day, you'll help him develop the habit of chipping in when there's work to be done. As the kids get older, their duties around the house should expand to fit their abilities.
You didn't mention this, but I'm sure that since you have more than one child, you often hear complaints from the older ones about having to do more than the younger ones. The way to deal with this is to remind the older ones of some of the privileges they have that that the younger siblings don't.
Of course, no one wants to turn their children into little domestic slaves, but having a clearly defined list of chores (posting a written list is often helpful), along with who's responsible for doing each one is an important facet of family life.
Finally, build some flexibility into your system. If one of the kids needs to spend a lot of time on a big project, make some allowances. You might offer to do the child's chores for him in exchange for an equal amount of time spent on other household chores later on.
A: Once upon a time, even the youngest kids had clear-cut duties around the house. It might have been bringing in firewood, feeding the chickens, or whitewashing fences. For better or worse, however, those days are long gone.
Today, it's a lot more likely that getting a child to do a chore as small as loading the dishwasher or taking out the garbage once a week will be like pulling teeth. Even worse, when you do ask a kid to so something, there's a good chance she'll demand to know "How much am I going to get paid for doing this?" Frustrating, but at least you can take some comfort in knowing that that your child has a firm grasp on how the free enterprise system works.
Sure, special jobs, like painting that shed in the backyard, or helping you replant your garden might involve some type of payment (which could be cash or something like a trip to a ballgame), most jobs around the house should just fall under the general heading of "family duties."
No one gets paid for setting the table, making dinner, or cleaning off the dishes. These are things that family members do to contribute to the running of the house. A child's weekly allowance should be independent of chores. In other words, don't tie taking out the garbage to a direct payment.
The trick to instilling a domestic work ethic in your child is two-fold: Lead by example and start early. From the earliest age, your kids look at you for clues on how to act. If they see that you don't put your things away, hang up your clothes, clear your dishes from the table, and so on, they'll get the signal loud and clear that they can leave stuff around for someone else to pick up—that's going to be you.
On the other hand, if you start with making your toddler put away his toys when he's done playing with them and have him straighten up his room once a day, you'll help him develop the habit of chipping in when there's work to be done. As the kids get older, their duties around the house should expand to fit their abilities.
You didn't mention this, but I'm sure that since you have more than one child, you often hear complaints from the older ones about having to do more than the younger ones. The way to deal with this is to remind the older ones of some of the privileges they have that that the younger siblings don't.
Of course, no one wants to turn their children into little domestic slaves, but having a clearly defined list of chores (posting a written list is often helpful), along with who's responsible for doing each one is an important facet of family life.
Finally, build some flexibility into your system. If one of the kids needs to spend a lot of time on a big project, make some allowances. You might offer to do the child's chores for him in exchange for an equal amount of time spent on other household chores later on.
Spanking your kids could land you in jail
Do you believe that sparing the rod will spoil your child? Here's news -- if you're found guilty of enforcing physical discipline, the courts may not spare you!
A juvenile justice court recently took a Mumbai couple to task for the alleged cruel treatment of their three-and-a-half-year-old toddler. The Union ministry of women and child development is now planning on outlawing such rough treatment, with a view towards preventing physical, sexual and gender-biased crimes of every kind.
Offenders will have to pay fines upwards of Rs 3000, and repeated misdemeanours may result in a jail sentence of upto seven years.
In light of these recent developments, we'rer asking you -- do you think it's necessary to enforce discipline on kids using physical force?
Where are parents supposed to draw the line?
Do you think such measures are required in India, or do you think the law is overreacting to what are mostly isolated incidents of abusing one's own child?
A juvenile justice court recently took a Mumbai couple to task for the alleged cruel treatment of their three-and-a-half-year-old toddler. The Union ministry of women and child development is now planning on outlawing such rough treatment, with a view towards preventing physical, sexual and gender-biased crimes of every kind.
Offenders will have to pay fines upwards of Rs 3000, and repeated misdemeanours may result in a jail sentence of upto seven years.
In light of these recent developments, we'rer asking you -- do you think it's necessary to enforce discipline on kids using physical force?
Where are parents supposed to draw the line?
Do you think such measures are required in India, or do you think the law is overreacting to what are mostly isolated incidents of abusing one's own child?
Planning for your child's education? Here's help
I remember paying Rs 4,000 per annum when I did my engineering. However, when I took admission for MMS, and heard the fees was Rs 25,000 per annum, I could barely keep myself from fainting.
I mean Rs 16,000 for 4 years and Rs 50,000 for two years.
Then came another shocker when the juniors at my engineering college told me that the annual fees were hiked to Rs 32,000. Ouch!
By the time we moved into the third semester of MMS, our next batch had to cough up close to Rs 50,000 per annum for two years of management course.
Circa 2007. Just last week I visited a management institute whose director told me that the fees were Rs 1.25 lakh per annum.
Outrageous, isn"t it? But real, too, at the same time.
Just imagine the cost of educating your child when s/ he grows up. If the thought scares you then, perhaps, this is the right time to start educating your child about how important money is and will become when s/ he grows up.
It is exactly for such situations that I have devised a financial plan. In this plan, I am taking a 12 per cent annual rise in cost of education for making financial plans, whereas in four years the cost has gone up five times, implying an annual growth of -- hold your breath -- close to 50 per cent.
If our kids have to shoulder the responsibility of financing their own education then shouldn"t our schools start including financial education in our syllabus?
But as long as that does not happen, we have two options: Either to pass the legacy of funding their own education, so that even they end up being in as good (or as bad) a financial position as we are today, when they grow up, OR, educate them about money matters today, so that they are better off financially when they start their careers.
Imagine if they are taught the impact of the formula which they learn in Class VIII for a four-mark mathematics problem.
Consider this formula: A = P (1+r) n
Now let us apply this formula to a routine mathematical problem.
Yash, a standard VIII student got Rs 100 from his grandmother on his birthday. Instead of spending it, his parents taught him how to deposit the money in the bank. Yash deposited the Rs 100 in the bank for 10 years at an interest rate of 8 per cent. How much money will Yash have after 10 years, on his18th birthday?
If we substitute the values from the above question in the given formula, then we get,
P = Rs 100
n = 10 years
r = 8 per cent
Therefore, A = 100 * (1 + 8 per cent)10 = Rs 215.89.
In simple words, the money doubles up in a mere 10 years. Isn"t that wonderful? Just replace the Rs 100 amount by Rs 10 lakhs and then perhaps you may find it wonderful.
Of course, the rate of return of 8 per cent taken here for calculations is a very conservative figure. Assume that this money is invested in safe instrument like say a fixed deposit in a government bank.
After all, this money is meant to provide for your child"s education and you may not like to play around with it.
However, if you are financially savvy, this money can easily be invested in stocks, mutual funds, insurance schemes that may give you higher returns for a horizon of ten years.
Imagine what wonders could be achieved if your child starts investing Rs 5 every week, right from her/ his Class I (Age: 7 years), till the time s/ he appears for SSC. For the record, a weekly investment of Rs 5 @ 4 per cent per annum will give you Rs 2,944.92 against a total investment of Rs 2,400. These numbers might not sound very impressive, but the underlying concept is definitely very strong.
Financial planners emphasise about the importance of starting early -- if you start the day your child is born, s/ he will have an additional 21 years; tinker around slightly with the investment/ week and the rate of interest -- and you will see the difference!
Neither were we as children taught about how to save money nor are we as adults doing anything to teach the next generation about money. Isn"t it time we rectified our mistakes?
For starters, let your child know what are the fees that you are paying for her/ his education, and also let her / him know what the fee was when you were a kid. Ask her/ him to do the math and calculate how much is the percent rise (keep a handy cam ready to shoot her expressions!).
Then ask her/ him to calculate the number of years before s/ he completes her/ his graduation.
Tell her/ him the fees, which you paid for graduation, and hence tell her/ him to calculate the fees, which s/ he will have to pay once s/ he approaches graduation, using the rate of growth, which s/ he has, calculated.
Now ask her/ him how much money should be invested every month and at what rate of interest so that the amount is reached -- and then tell her/ him to start doing it. All this exercise, after all, is meant to teach her/ him and make her/ him implement what s/ he is otherwise learning to score four marks in the exams.
The problem here is our ethos and thinking: Why should our children know how much fees we are paying? We love our children and we will do anything to fund their education -- how financially incorrect.
You were never told about inflation and the time value of money, so today you are under a Himalayan load of loans.
But do you want your children also to be in the same situation?
Nobody"s questioning your love for your children, but what"s the harm in teaching some money gyan, which will be useful to them in the long run.
While expenses continue to soar, competition is taking its toll. Not everybody makes it to the top of the pyramid, so forget high salaries, and hence a reduction in standard of living.
I wouldn"t want my child to lead a life full of financial compromises. Would you?
I mean Rs 16,000 for 4 years and Rs 50,000 for two years.
Then came another shocker when the juniors at my engineering college told me that the annual fees were hiked to Rs 32,000. Ouch!
By the time we moved into the third semester of MMS, our next batch had to cough up close to Rs 50,000 per annum for two years of management course.
Circa 2007. Just last week I visited a management institute whose director told me that the fees were Rs 1.25 lakh per annum.
Outrageous, isn"t it? But real, too, at the same time.
Just imagine the cost of educating your child when s/ he grows up. If the thought scares you then, perhaps, this is the right time to start educating your child about how important money is and will become when s/ he grows up.
It is exactly for such situations that I have devised a financial plan. In this plan, I am taking a 12 per cent annual rise in cost of education for making financial plans, whereas in four years the cost has gone up five times, implying an annual growth of -- hold your breath -- close to 50 per cent.
If our kids have to shoulder the responsibility of financing their own education then shouldn"t our schools start including financial education in our syllabus?
But as long as that does not happen, we have two options: Either to pass the legacy of funding their own education, so that even they end up being in as good (or as bad) a financial position as we are today, when they grow up, OR, educate them about money matters today, so that they are better off financially when they start their careers.
Imagine if they are taught the impact of the formula which they learn in Class VIII for a four-mark mathematics problem.
Consider this formula: A = P (1+r) n
Now let us apply this formula to a routine mathematical problem.
Yash, a standard VIII student got Rs 100 from his grandmother on his birthday. Instead of spending it, his parents taught him how to deposit the money in the bank. Yash deposited the Rs 100 in the bank for 10 years at an interest rate of 8 per cent. How much money will Yash have after 10 years, on his18th birthday?
If we substitute the values from the above question in the given formula, then we get,
P = Rs 100
n = 10 years
r = 8 per cent
Therefore, A = 100 * (1 + 8 per cent)10 = Rs 215.89.
In simple words, the money doubles up in a mere 10 years. Isn"t that wonderful? Just replace the Rs 100 amount by Rs 10 lakhs and then perhaps you may find it wonderful.
Of course, the rate of return of 8 per cent taken here for calculations is a very conservative figure. Assume that this money is invested in safe instrument like say a fixed deposit in a government bank.
After all, this money is meant to provide for your child"s education and you may not like to play around with it.
However, if you are financially savvy, this money can easily be invested in stocks, mutual funds, insurance schemes that may give you higher returns for a horizon of ten years.
Imagine what wonders could be achieved if your child starts investing Rs 5 every week, right from her/ his Class I (Age: 7 years), till the time s/ he appears for SSC. For the record, a weekly investment of Rs 5 @ 4 per cent per annum will give you Rs 2,944.92 against a total investment of Rs 2,400. These numbers might not sound very impressive, but the underlying concept is definitely very strong.
Financial planners emphasise about the importance of starting early -- if you start the day your child is born, s/ he will have an additional 21 years; tinker around slightly with the investment/ week and the rate of interest -- and you will see the difference!
Neither were we as children taught about how to save money nor are we as adults doing anything to teach the next generation about money. Isn"t it time we rectified our mistakes?
For starters, let your child know what are the fees that you are paying for her/ his education, and also let her / him know what the fee was when you were a kid. Ask her/ him to do the math and calculate how much is the percent rise (keep a handy cam ready to shoot her expressions!).
Then ask her/ him to calculate the number of years before s/ he completes her/ his graduation.
Tell her/ him the fees, which you paid for graduation, and hence tell her/ him to calculate the fees, which s/ he will have to pay once s/ he approaches graduation, using the rate of growth, which s/ he has, calculated.
Now ask her/ him how much money should be invested every month and at what rate of interest so that the amount is reached -- and then tell her/ him to start doing it. All this exercise, after all, is meant to teach her/ him and make her/ him implement what s/ he is otherwise learning to score four marks in the exams.
The problem here is our ethos and thinking: Why should our children know how much fees we are paying? We love our children and we will do anything to fund their education -- how financially incorrect.
You were never told about inflation and the time value of money, so today you are under a Himalayan load of loans.
But do you want your children also to be in the same situation?
Nobody"s questioning your love for your children, but what"s the harm in teaching some money gyan, which will be useful to them in the long run.
While expenses continue to soar, competition is taking its toll. Not everybody makes it to the top of the pyramid, so forget high salaries, and hence a reduction in standard of living.
I wouldn"t want my child to lead a life full of financial compromises. Would you?
Financing your child's education? Here's how
It is the dream of all the parents to see their children do well in their studies. To realise this dream they must plan for financing their child"s education.
A good education is one of the best investments that you can make for your child both in terms of a satisfying career and financial success. However funding education is getting increasingly difficult and requires careful planning.
Here are some tips for getting it right.
Start as early as possible
The earlier you start the more you get compound interest to work in your favour. Ideally you should start saving when your child is born.
Having a longer time horizon will also give you more flexibility to invest in relatively risky assets like stocks.
If you have 15 or more years to go you can afford to put the majority of your funds in stocks where you will probably earn a higher return. As you draw closer to your child"s admission you should switch to safer assets like fixed deposits and debt funds.
If you start saving just a few years ahead, it"s better to focus on safe assets right from the beginning.
Understand the costs of education
As with any kind of financial planning you need a goal and that means understanding the likely cost of education. You should have a good idea of the fee structure of different courses.
One of the biggest questions is whether you want your child to study in India or abroad.
For example, highly sought after professional courses like MBBS and MBA in India will have fees of around Rs 2-4 lakhs. Regular courses like B.Com have much lower fees and probably won"t require significant saving on your part.
Foreign education however is much more expensive especially in the US where fees might cost around Rs 10-15 lakhs per year and annual living expenses might come to around Rs 4 lakhs.
You should also keep in mind that over a long period of time like 15 years fees are likely to increase to keep in line with inflation.
For instance if we assume an Indian inflation rate of 5 per cent, fees will roughly double in 15 years in order to match inflation.
It is possible that fees may rise even faster than this especially if there is significant deregulation of the education sector. It is best to save on the high side since if the money isn"t used for education it can always be used for other purposes like your retirement fund.
Explore alternatives to self-financing
Self financing isn"t the only alternative when it comes to funding education. Other possibilities include financial aid, bank loans and scholarships.
Financial aid from the university is obviously the most desirable method of financing. And quite a lot is available especially in the US where aid is relatively easy to obtain for PhD students, particularly in science and engineering.
In addition to a full waiver of tuition fees students often get stipends which cover their living expenses.
However aid is much more difficult to obtain for other degrees like an MBA and here students and their families will have to supply the necessary finance. Also remember that even with full aid at a US university, you will still have to fund the whole testing and application process and travel expenses which could amount to Rs 1 lakh.
What banks are offering
Another important alternative are education loans which are available at a number of banks. You can borrow up to Rs 20 lakhs though higher value loans will generally require some kind of collateral or third-party guarantee as in a home loan.
For example SBI [Get Quote] offers an education loan up to Rs 10 lakhs for domestic study and up to Rs 20 lakhs for foreign education. The interest rate is 12.75 per cent (floating) for loans up to Rs 4 lakh and 13.75 per cent (floating) for loans above Rs 4 lakhs.
You start repaying the loan one year after finishing the course or 6 months after getting a job whichever comes first.
Education loans are given tax benefits under Section 80E; you can deduct your interest expenses for saving taxes. The deduction is available for a period of 7 years and in effect it makes your interest rate a few per cent lower than the stated figure.
Another possibility is scholarships which are available from companies, educational trusts and governments: both Indian and international. This website has extensive information on scholarships in India and you should also be alert to newspaper ads advertising scholarships.
To conclude, funding your child"s education can be a costly proposition but an early start and careful planning will go a long way in getting it done.
A good education is one of the best investments that you can make for your child both in terms of a satisfying career and financial success. However funding education is getting increasingly difficult and requires careful planning.
Here are some tips for getting it right.
Start as early as possible
The earlier you start the more you get compound interest to work in your favour. Ideally you should start saving when your child is born.
Having a longer time horizon will also give you more flexibility to invest in relatively risky assets like stocks.
If you have 15 or more years to go you can afford to put the majority of your funds in stocks where you will probably earn a higher return. As you draw closer to your child"s admission you should switch to safer assets like fixed deposits and debt funds.
If you start saving just a few years ahead, it"s better to focus on safe assets right from the beginning.
Understand the costs of education
As with any kind of financial planning you need a goal and that means understanding the likely cost of education. You should have a good idea of the fee structure of different courses.
One of the biggest questions is whether you want your child to study in India or abroad.
For example, highly sought after professional courses like MBBS and MBA in India will have fees of around Rs 2-4 lakhs. Regular courses like B.Com have much lower fees and probably won"t require significant saving on your part.
Foreign education however is much more expensive especially in the US where fees might cost around Rs 10-15 lakhs per year and annual living expenses might come to around Rs 4 lakhs.
You should also keep in mind that over a long period of time like 15 years fees are likely to increase to keep in line with inflation.
For instance if we assume an Indian inflation rate of 5 per cent, fees will roughly double in 15 years in order to match inflation.
It is possible that fees may rise even faster than this especially if there is significant deregulation of the education sector. It is best to save on the high side since if the money isn"t used for education it can always be used for other purposes like your retirement fund.
Explore alternatives to self-financing
Self financing isn"t the only alternative when it comes to funding education. Other possibilities include financial aid, bank loans and scholarships.
Financial aid from the university is obviously the most desirable method of financing. And quite a lot is available especially in the US where aid is relatively easy to obtain for PhD students, particularly in science and engineering.
In addition to a full waiver of tuition fees students often get stipends which cover their living expenses.
However aid is much more difficult to obtain for other degrees like an MBA and here students and their families will have to supply the necessary finance. Also remember that even with full aid at a US university, you will still have to fund the whole testing and application process and travel expenses which could amount to Rs 1 lakh.
What banks are offering
Another important alternative are education loans which are available at a number of banks. You can borrow up to Rs 20 lakhs though higher value loans will generally require some kind of collateral or third-party guarantee as in a home loan.
For example SBI [Get Quote] offers an education loan up to Rs 10 lakhs for domestic study and up to Rs 20 lakhs for foreign education. The interest rate is 12.75 per cent (floating) for loans up to Rs 4 lakh and 13.75 per cent (floating) for loans above Rs 4 lakhs.
You start repaying the loan one year after finishing the course or 6 months after getting a job whichever comes first.
Education loans are given tax benefits under Section 80E; you can deduct your interest expenses for saving taxes. The deduction is available for a period of 7 years and in effect it makes your interest rate a few per cent lower than the stated figure.
Another possibility is scholarships which are available from companies, educational trusts and governments: both Indian and international. This website has extensive information on scholarships in India and you should also be alert to newspaper ads advertising scholarships.
To conclude, funding your child"s education can be a costly proposition but an early start and careful planning will go a long way in getting it done.
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