Handling Children's Feelings in Public Places
We live in a society that has a demanding and judgmental attitude toward parents and young children. Often, the attitude toward children in public is that they should be seen and not heard, that the parent should be “in control” of the child’s behavior, and that children who are having feelings in public are a nuisance. In short, children are not really welcome. Their freshness, curiosity, and frank expressions of feelings are not seen as a gift.
In addition, the childrearing tradition that has been handed down to most of us sets us against our children when their behavior isn’t convenient for adults. Others expect us to criticize, use harsh words, punish, isolate, shame, threaten, or physically attack a child who is “misbehaving.” No parent really wants to act like an adversary to the child he loves. We treat our beloved children in these ways when we can’t think of anything else to do, or when we fear the disapproval of others.
There are certain situations in which young children often become emotionally charged. These situations include:
• Being with several people: with the whole family at dinner, at a family gathering, a meeting, a birthday party, the grocery store, church, or temple.
• Moving from one activity to another: leaving home for day care, leaving day care for home, stopping play for dinner, going to bed.
• Being with a parent who is under stress: the parent is cooking, cleaning, shopping, trying to finish a task on time, and is upset because there’s so little help.
• At the end of any especially close or fun-filled time: after a trip to the park, after a good friend leaves, after wrestling, chasing and laughing with Mom or Dad.
When children become emotionally charged, they can’t think. They simply can’t function normally. They become rigid and unreasonable in what they want, and are unsatisfied with your attempts to give them what they want. They can’t listen, and the slightest thing brings them to tears or tantrums. Their minds are full of upset. They can’t get out of that state without your help.
The help your child needs at this time is to have you set kind, sensible limits, and then for you to listen while he bursts out with the intense feelings he has. This spilling of feelings, together with your kind attention and patience, is the most effective way to speed your child’s return to his sensible, loving self. A good, vigorous tantrum, or a hearty, deeply felt cry will clear your child’s mind of the emotion that was driving him “off track” and will enable him to relax again and make the best of the situation he is in.
“Do I have to listen to a screaming, flailing child in the middle of the supermarket?”
Several adjustments of our expectations are necessary before we can let ourselves to be on our children’s side as they do what they need to do in a public place.
• We need to remember that every good child falls apart often in public places. This is, for some reason, the way children are built!
• We need to remember that our society has trained people to disapprove of children doing what is healthy and natural. People disapprove of horseplay, of noise, of exuberance, of too much laughter, of tantrums, of crying, of children asking for the attention they need. This disapproval is out of line. Children are good, and their needs are important, including the need to offload bad feelings.
• We need to decide that, as parents, it’s our job to treat our child well. When other adults criticize him, it makes sense to do what we can to be on our child’s side. If a child doesn’t have his parent to protect him from harm, who will?
• We need to realize that being parents means that we will have to advocate for our children in many settings: with doctors and nurses, with teaches, with relatives, and with strangers.
• Finally, we need to acknowledge that children legitimately need far more attention than it is comfortable to give. Adults who gave less attention to their own children, or who got little attention themselves as children, will be upset when they see you giving undivided attention to your child. We can expect these upsets, but we don’t have to be governed by them.
“OK, but what do I do when my child falls apart in the supermarket aisle, or at the grandparents’ house?”
• Spend one-on-one time with your child before you take him to a public place, so that you and he are connected with each other before heading into a challenging situation. Then, stay connected. Use eye contact, touch, your voice, and short spurts of attention to keep him in the orbit of your love. This contact is deeply reassuring, and can sometimes defuse situations that your child often finds difficult.
• When you see an upset brewing, make contact right away. See if you can find a way to play, so that your child can laugh. Laughter relieves children’s tensions, and allows them to feel more and more connected. If, when you make contact, your child begins to cry or tantrum, do what you can to allow him to continue. His upset will heal if the feelings are allowed to drain.
• Slow down the action, and listen. If getting into the car seat has triggered tears, then stay there, seat belt not yet done, and let the tears flow. Listen until he is done. Because of this cry, your whole day, and his, will improve.
• If necessary, move to a more socially acceptable place. Go to the back bedroom, or move your grocery cart out the exit to the sidewalk. Do this as calmly as you can. Your child isn’t doing anything wrong. It’s sort of like a car alarm going off accidentally—loud, but not harmful to anyone. These things happen!
• Plan what you will say to people who express their opinions or concern. It’s hard to come up with a comment that says, “We’re OK—don’t worry!” in the middle of wild things happening, so think ahead. You can adopt some phrase like, “We seem to be having technical difficulties,” or, “My daughter really knows how to wail!” or, “It’s that kind of a day!” or, “After he’s finished, it’s my turn!” or simply, “We’re OK. I don’t think this will last all day.” A comment like this reassures others, and gives the message that you are in charge.
As one parent I know put it, “I’ve finally figured out that it’s my job to set a limit when he’s going “nuts,” and it’s his job to get the bad feelings out. As I listen to him, people might not be able to tell that I’m doing my job and he’s doing his, but at least I know that’s what’s going on.”
How to Calm Your Crying Baby
When we're pregnant or awaiting adoption, we dream about our baby-to-be, we always envision those beautiful Hallmark card scenes: charming baby smiling up at peaceful mother's face. We read books in advance of the big day about how care for a newborn - how to bathe, feed and dress her - and then we feel somewhat prepared. However, a crying baby was never part of that idyllic vision, so this takes us by surprise. But the fact is, all babies cry at one time or another. Some babies cry more than others, but they all do cry. Understanding why babies cry can help you get through this phase and respond effectively to your crying baby - so can the list of ideas that follows.
Why does my baby cry?
Simply put, babies cry because they cannot talk. Babies are human beings, and they have needs and desires, just as we do, but they can't express them. Even if they could talk, very often they wouldn't understand why they feel the way they do, they wouldn't understand themselves well enough to articulate their needs, so babies need someone to help them figure it all out. Their cries are the only way they can say, "Help me! Something isn't right here!"
Different kinds of cries
As you get to know your baby, you'll become the expert in understanding his cries in a way that no one else can. In their research, child development professionals have determined that certain types of cries mean certain things. In other words, babies don't cry the same exact way every time. (Other child development experts, also known as mothers, have known that for millennia.)
Over time, you'll recognize particular cries as if they were spoken words. In addition to these cry signals, you often can determine why your baby is crying by the situation surrounding the cry. Following are common reasons for Baby's cry, and the clues that may tell you what's up:
- Hunger
If three or four hours have passed since his last feeding, if he has just woken up, or if he has just had a very full diaper and he begins to cry, he's probably hungry. A feeding will most likely stop the crying.
- Tiredness
Look for these signs: decreased activity, losing interest in people and toys, rubbing eyes, looking glazed, and the most obvious - yawning If you notice any of these in your crying baby, she may just need to sleep. Time for bed!
- Discomfort
If a baby is uncomfortable - too wet, hot, cold, squished - he' ll typically squirm or arch his back when he cries, as if trying to get away from the source of his discomfort. Try to figure out the source of his distress and solve his problem.
- Pain
A cry of pain is sudden and shrill, just like when an adult or older child cries out when they get hurt. It may include long cries followed by a pause during which your baby appears to stop breathing. He then catches his breath and lets out another long cry. Time to check your baby's temperature and undress him for a full-body examination.
- Overstimulation
If the room is noisy, people are trying to get your baby's attention, rattles are rattling, music boxes are playing, and your baby suddenly closes her eyes and cries (or turns her head away), she may be trying to shut out all that's going on around her and find some peace. It's time for a quiet, dark room and some peaceful cuddles.
- Illness
When your baby is sick, he may cry in a weak, moaning way. This is his way of saying, "I feel awful." If your baby seems ill, look for any signs of sickness, take her temperature and call your healthcare provider.
- Frustration
Your baby is just learning how to control her hands, arms, and feet. She may be trying to get her fingers into her mouth or to reach a particularly interesting toy, but her body isn't cooperating. She cries out of frustration, because she can't accomplish what she wants to do. All she needs is a little help.
- Loneliness
If your baby falls asleep feeding and you place her in her crib, but she wakes soon afterward with a cry, she may be saying that she misses the warmth of your embrace and doesn't like to be alone. A simple situation to resolve!
- Worry or fear
Your baby suddenly finds himself in the arms of Great Aunt Matilda and can't see you; his previously happy gurgles turn suddenly to crying. He's trying to tell you that he's scared: He doesn't know this new person, and he wants Mommy or Daddy. Explain to Auntie that he needs a little time to warm up to someone new, and try letting the two of them get to know each other while Baby stays in your arms.
- Boredom
Your baby has been sitting in his infant seat for 20 minutes while you talk and eat lunch with a friend. He's not tired, hungry or uncomfortable, but he starts a whiny, fussy cry. He may be saying that he's bored and needs something new to look at or touch. A new position for his seat or a toy to hold may help.
- Colic
If your baby cries inconsolably for long periods every day, particularly at the same time each day, he may have colic. Researchers are still unsure of colic's exact cause. Some experts believe that colic is related to the immaturity of a baby's digestive system. Whatever the cause, and it may be a combination of all the theories; colic is among the most exasperating conditions that parents of new babies face. Colic occurs only to newborn babies, up to about four to five months of age. Look for patterns to your baby's crying; these can provide clues as to which suggestions are most likely to help. Then experiment with some of the ideas in this list and in the rest of this article.
- If breastfeeding, feed on demand (cue feeding), for nutrition as well as comfort, as often as your baby needs a calming influence.
- If breastfeeding, try avoiding foods that may cause gas in your baby, such as dairy products, caffeine, cabbage, broccoli and other gassy vegetables.
- If bottlefeeding, offer more frequent but smaller meals; experiment with different formulas with your doctor or health care provider's approval.
- If bottlefeeding, try different types of bottles and nipples that prevent air from entering your baby as he drinks, such as those with curved bottles or collapsible liners.
- Hold your baby in a more upright position for feeding and directly afterwards.
- Experiment with how often and when you burp your baby.
- Offer meals in a quiet setting.
- If baby likes a pacifier, offer him one.
- Invest in a baby sling or carrier and use it during colicky periods.
- If the weather's too unpleasant for an outside stroll, bring your stroller in the house and walk your baby around.
- Give your baby a warm bath.
- Hold your baby with her legs curled up toward her belly.
- Massage your baby's tummy, or give him a full massage.
- Swaddle your baby in a warm blanket.
- Lay your baby tummy down across your lap and massage or pat her back.
- Hold your baby in a rocking chair, or put him in a swing.
- Walk with Baby in a quiet, dark room while you hum or sing.
- Try keeping your baby away from highly stimulating situations during the day when possible to prevent sensory overload.
- Lie on your back and lay your baby on top of your tummy down while massaging his back. (Transfer your baby to his bed if he falls asleep.)
- Take Baby for a ride in the car.
- Play soothing music or turn on white noise such as a vacuum cleaner or running water.
- As a last resort, ask your doctor or health care provider about medications available for colic and gas.
What about fussy crying?
There are plenty of times when you can't tell if your baby's crying is directly related to a fixable situation: hunger, a soiled diaper, or a longing to be held. That's when parents get frustrated and nervous. That's when you should take a deep breath and try some of the following cry-stoppers:
- Hold your baby.
No matter the reason for your baby's cry, being held by a warm and comforting person offers a feeling of security and may calm his crying. Babies love to be held in arms, slings, front-pack carriers, and (when they get a little older) backpacks; physical contact is what they seek and what usually soothes them best.
- Breastfeed your baby.
Nursing your baby is as much for comfort as food. All four of my babies calmed easily when brought to the breast - so much so that my husband has always called it "The Secret Weapon." And my babies are very typical. Breastfeeding is an important and powerful tool for baby soothing.
- Provide motion.
Babies enjoy repetitive, rhythmic motion such as rocking, swinging, swaying, jiggling, dancing or a drive in the car. Many parents instinctually begin to sway with a fussy baby, and for a good reason: It works.
- Turn on some white noise.
The womb was a very noisy place. Remember the sounds you heard on the Doppler stethoscope? Not so long ago, your baby heard those 24 hours a day. Therefore, your baby sometimes can be calmed by "white noise" - that is, noise that is continuous and uniform, such as that of a heartbeat, the rain, static between radio stations, and your vacuum cleaner. Some alarm clocks even have a white noise function.
- Let music soothe your baby.
Soft, peaceful music is a wonderful baby calmer. That's why lullabies have been passed down through the ages. You don't have to be a professional singer to provide your baby with a song; your baby loves to hear your voice. In addition to your own songs, babies usually love to hear any kind of music. Experiment with different types of tunes, since babies have their own favorites that can range from jazz to country to classical, and even rock and rap.
- Swaddle your baby.
During the first three or four months of life, many babies feel comforted if you can re-create the tightly contained sensation they enjoyed in the womb.
- Massage your baby.
Babies love to be touched and stroked, so a massage is a wonderful way to calm a fussy baby. A variation of massage is the baby pat; many babies love a gentle, rhythmic pat on their backs or bottoms.
- Let your baby have something to suck on.
The most natural pacifier is mother's breast, but when that isn't an option, a bottle, pacifier, Baby's own fingers, a teething toy, or Daddy's pinkie can work wonders as a means of comfort.
- Distract your baby.
Sometimes a new activity or change of scenery - maybe a walk outside, or a dance with a song, or a splashy bath - can be very helpful in turning a fussy baby into a happy one.
Reading your baby's body language
Many times, you can avoid the crying altogether by responding right away to your baby's earliest signals of need, such as fussing, stiffening her body, or rooting for the breast. As you get to know your baby and learn her signals, determining what she needs will become easier for you - even before she cries.
Your Little Baby Girl.
Issued in the interest of the Girl Child
Dear Mommy and Papa,
I am in Heaven now, sitting on God' lap. He loves me and cries with me; for my heart has been broken. I so wanted to be your little girl.
I don't quite understand what has happened. I was so excited when I began realizing my existence. I was in a dark, yet comfortable place.
I saw I had fingers and toes. I was pretty far along in my developing, yet not near ready to leave my surroundings. I spent most of my time thinking or sleeping.
Even from my earliest days, I felt a special bonding between you and me. Sometimes I heard you crying and I cried with you. Sometimes you would yell or scream, then cry. I heard Daddy yelling back. I was sad, and hoped you would be better soon. I wondered why you cried so much.
One day you cried almost all of the day. I hurt for you. I couldn't imagine why you were so unhappy. That same day, the most horrible thing happened. A very mean monster came into that warm, comfortable place I was in.
I was so scared, I began screaming, but you never once tried to help me. Maybe you never heard me. The monster got closer and closer as I was screaming and screaming, " Mommy, Mommy, help me please; Mommy, help me."
Complete terror is all I felt. I screamed and screamed until I thought I couldn't anymore.Then the monster started ripping my arm off. It hurt so bad; the pain I can never explain. Itdidn't stop. Oh, how I begged it to stop. I screamed in horror as it ripped my leg off.
Though I was in such complete pain, I was dying. I knew I would never see your face or hear you say how much you love me.
I wanted to make all your tears go away. I had so many plans to make you happy. Now I couldn't; all my dreams were shattered. Though I was in utter pain and horror, I felt the pain of my heart breaking, above all.
I wanted more than anything to be your daughter. No use now, for I was dying a painful death. I could only imagine the terrible things that they had done to you.
I wanted to tell you that I love you before I was gone, but I didn't know the words you could understand. And soon, I no longer had the breath to say them; I was dead.I felt myself rising.
I was being carried by a huge angel into a big beautiful place. I was still crying, but the physical pain was gone.
The angel took me to God and set me on His lap. He said He loved me, and He was my Father. Then I was happy. I asked Him what the thing was that killed me.
He answered, "Abortion. I am sorry, my child; for I know how it feels." I don't know what abortion is; I guess that's the name of the monster.
I'm writing to say that I love you and to tell you how much I wanted to be your little girl. I tried very hard to live. I wanted to live. I had the will, but I couldn't; the monster was too powerful. It sucked my arm and legs off and finally got all of me. It was impossible to live. I just wanted you to know I tried to stay with you. I didn't want to die.
Also, Mommy, please watch out for that abortion monster.
Mommy, I love you and I would hate for you to go through the kind of pain I did. Please be careful.
Love,
Your Baby Girl
Eight Lies of a Mother.
A very touchy and sentimental article I came across:-
1.
The story began when I was a child;
I was born as a son of a poor family.
Even for eating, we often got lack of food.
Whenever the time for eating, mother often gave me her portion of rice.
While she was removing her rice into my bowl,
she would say "Eat this rice, son. I'm not hungry".
That was Mother's First Lie
2.
When I was getting to grow up,
the persevering mother gave her spare time for fishing in a river near our house,
she hoped that from the fishes she got,
she could gave me a little bit nutritious food for my growth.
After fishing, she would cook the fishes to be a fresh fish soup,
which raised my appetite. While I was eating the soup,
mother would sit beside me and eat the rest meat of fish,
which was still on the bone of the fish I ate.
My heart was touched when I saw it.
I then used my chopstick and gave the other fish to her.
But she immediately refused it and said "Eat this fish, son.
I don't really like fish."
That was Mother's Second Lie.
3.
Then, when I was in Junior High School,
to fund my study,
mother went to an economic enterprise to bring some used-matches boxes that would be stuck in.
It gave her some money for covering our needs.
As the winter came,
I woke up from my sleep and looked at my mother who was still awoke,
supported by a little candlelight and within her perseverance she continued
the work of sticking some used-matches box.
I said, "Mother, go to sleep, it's late,
tomorrow morning you still have to go for work.
" Mother smiled and said "Go to sleep,
dear. I'm not tired."
That was Mother's Third Lie.
4.
At the time of final term,
mother asked for a leave from her work in order to accompany me.
While the daytime was coming and the heat of the sun was starting to shine,
the strong and persevering mother
waited for me under the heat of the sun's shine for several hours.
As the bell rang, which indicated that the final exam had finished,
mother immediately welcomed me and poured me a glass of tea
that she had prepared before in a cold bottle.
The very thick tea was not as thick as my mother's love,
which was much thicker. Seeing my mother covering with perspiration,
I at once gave her my glass and asked her to drink too.
Mother said "Drink, son. I'm not thirsty!".
That was Mother's Fourth Lie.
5.
After the death of my father because of illness,
my poor mother had to play her role as a single parent.
By held on her former job, she had to fund our needs alone.
Our family's life was more complicated. No days without sufferance.
Seeing our family's condition that was getting worse,
there was a nice uncle who lived near my house came to help us,
either in a big problem and a small problem.
Our other neighbors who lived next to us saw that our family's life was so unfortunate,
they often advised my mother to marry again. But mother,
who was stubborn, didn't care to their advice,
she said "I don't need love."
That was Mother's Fifth Lie.
6.
After I had finished my study and then got a job,
it was the time for my old mother to retire.
But she didn't want to; she was sincere to go to the marketplace every morning,
just to sell some vegetable for fulfilling her needs.
I, who worked in the other city, often sent her some money to help her in fulfilling her needs,
but she was stubborn for not accepting the money.
She even sent the money back to me.
She said "I have enough money."
That was Mother's Sixth Lie.
7.
After graduated from Bachelor Degree,
I then continued my study to Master Degree.
I took the degree, which was funded by a company through a scholarship program,
from a famous University in America .
I finally worked in the company. Within a quite high salary,
I intended to take my mother to enjoy her life in America .
But my lovely mother didn't want to bother her son,
she said to me "I'm not used to."
That was Mother's Seventh Lie.
8.
After entering her old age,
mother got a flank cancer and had to be hospitalized.
I, who lived in miles away and across the ocean,
directly went home to visit my dearest mother.
She lied down in weakness on her bed after having an operation.
Mother, who looked so old, was staring at me in deep yearn.
She tried to spread her smile on her face;
even it looked so stiff because of the disease she held out.
It was clear enough to see how the disease broke my mother's body,
thus she looked so weak and thin.
I stared at my mother within tears flowing on my face.
My heart was hurt, so hurt, seeing my mother on that condition.
But mother, with her strength, said "Don't cry, my dear.
I'm not in pain."
That was Mother's Eight Lie.
Dealing with STUBBORN CHILDREN
Dealing with Stubborn Children
Stubborn as a mule
"Mummy, I don't want to take the injection," said six-year-old Akash as he darted into the bathroom and locked himself in. His mother Reena was at her wit's end trying to figure out a way to persuade her son to come out and go to the doctor's clinic. In another situation, eight-year-old Pradip refused to eat unless all the peas were taken out of his plate.
Some children can put mules to shame. When they decide to dig their heels in, no matter how much you cajole and threaten them, they just won't budge. This can be a truly frustrating experience for harassed parents just trying to go about the business of raising good children. It becomes a battle of wills with both sides waiting to see who will give in first. While some children are more stubborn than others, all children display stubborn behaviour at some time or another. And most parents find that they are at a loss in such situations. Their instinctive reaction is to react with anger as they feel that their child's behaviour is a challenge to their authority. However, they soon find that anger only serves to fan the flames.
Stubbornness is not necessarily negative
Stubbornness in children has always been viewed as a negative trait by their parents. But may be they should attempt to look upon it in a more positive fashion. A child's stubbornness may just be his way of demonstrating that he can think for himself and that he can assert his thoughts and beliefs. Stubbornness gives them a feeling that they have a measure of control over the situation, which in turn, boosts their self-esteem. Parents should also make a push to understand the root of their children's stubbornness. Stubbornness can have a range of causes. It may vary from irrational fears to resistance to change or just a simple attack of rebellion.
The strategies
In the face of stubbornness, parents have just a few disciplining options. If the battle is about an issue of values or safety, parents should be prepared for a real battle of wills because there is no way that they can afford to budge from their stand in such a scenario. Do not get angry or argue. Simply state your stand, the reasons for it and the consequences of disobedience. Then follow through. Hopefully, your child will just throw in the towel. If the issue is not serious, there is no harm negotiating with your child and arriving at a compromise. In some situations, it is even surprisingly effective to just let go. Suddenly faced with no opposition, which constitutes a reward in itself, the child's rebellion will have the wind taken out of its sails.
Some useful tips
- Identify the problem and involve your child in seeking a solution. You will cease to be the enemy and she will feel that you are both on the same side.
- If you want your child to do something, try to time your request so that it does not interrupt her while she is doing something else. This is one way of avoiding conflict.
- If your child is not very happy about change, give her adequate notice so that she knows what to expect and is willing to cooperate.
- Be assertive when asking your child to do something. You are not asking them for a favour. Also, make clear the consequences of non-compliance.
- Keep in mind that your requests should be reasonable.
- Praise her when she is cooperative and well-behaved.
Home Remedies for CRYING
CRYING
How to Still the Sobs
For most parents, a crying baby is no laughing matter. Many babies cry an hour or more each day, frustrating their parents who know that crying is a baby's only language yet are unable to translate it. When is it hunger? When is it pain? When do those plaintive wails that touch us to our very core mean, ''Come and pick me up''?
What most parents learn in the first three months of a newborn's life is that comforting a crying baby is a matter of trial and error. Eventually, the signals will become clear, as parents get better at guessing what baby wants. But in these early few months, a lot of crying seems to be a general plea for comfort.
Should you always comfort a crying baby? In general, the experts say, a baby under 12 weeks may need frequent holding and cuddling to help him settle down. After three months, babies should be given the opportunity to learn to comfort themselves, or crying may become a habit. Here are a few comforting techniques to try--but results are not guaranteed.
| |
| When to See the Doctor Even though crying is normal in infants, there are times when prolonged or insistent crying could be a signal to call your doctor, according to Edward Christophersen, Ph.D., clinical psychologist at Children's Mercy Hospital, professor of pediatrics at the University of Missouri--Kansas City School of Medicine and author of Baby Owner's Manual: What to Expect and How to Survive the First Year. Be sure to call your child's physician right away if: * Your child's cry is high-pitched and painful rather than fussy. * Your baby cries constantly for more than three hours. * Diarrhea, vomiting, high fever or other signs of sickness accompany the crying. |
Check for physical causes. ''Make certain nothing is hurting the child,'' says Dena Hofkosh, M.D., assistant professor of pediatrics at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine and coordinator of the Infant Development Program at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. Look for open diaper pins, scratchy clothing, a crib toy poking your baby in the tummy. Also, look for fever or other symptoms of illness, such as a rash. Did the baby burp after his last feeding? If not, he may be having gas pains.
Try a quick pick-me-up. Some babies cry just because they want to be held, and as long as the baby is under 12 weeks old, you shouldn't hesitate. ''A lot of parents think they'll spoil babies if they pick them up when they cry, but that's just not the case,'' says Dr. Hofkosh. ''A study done at McGill University found that babies who were held more cried less.''
Give daily love pats. Touch your child briefly and gently 50 to 100 times a day even when he doesn't need it. Essentially what you are doing is providing unconditional love and rewarding noncrying behavior at the same time, says Edward Christophersen, Ph.D., clinical psychologist at Children's Mercy Hospital, professor of pediatrics at the University of Missouri--Kansas City School of Medicine, and author of Baby Owner's Manual: What to Expect and How to Survive the First Year.
Tune in to the Fussy Hour. Many babies have a predictable fussy period each day. Although it can occur at any hour, it often comes around dinnertime, when the whole family is home and meal preparations are under way. ''Once you're convinced that's what it is, think of that crying period as an exercise time for your baby,'' says Robert Mendelson, M.D., a pediatrician and clinical professor of pediatrics at Oregon Health Sciences University in Portland. ''It's the baby's way of jogging, burning off the excess energy he has.'' So you might just want to let these crying spells run their course.
Bring on the rhythm and music. ''A lot of babies respond well to a recorded heartbeat,'' says Dr. Mendelson. There's something primal and soothing about the rhythmic thump-thump that was their piped-in sound track for nine months. Playing music can also help: Many crying babies are distracted by George Gershwin's ''Rhapsody in Blue,'' Raffi's ''Baby Beluga'' or anything that happens to be on the radio. Your humming can be very soothing to a fussy child. Even a running vacuum cleaner or clothes dryer can calm him down.
Put them in motion. A walk around the house might soothe your infant. Your baby may also respond to gentle rocking, either in your arms or in a baby swing or cradle. ''For very irritable babies, vertical rocking seems to work,'' she says. Hold the baby on your lap or shoulder and rock up and down gently, applying some pressure to the chest and belly. ''Babies like frontal pressure, which is almost like being tucked into the womb again,'' says Dr. Hofkosh.
Take a ride. For some babies, a drive in the car is like a tranquilizer. When one of her daughters was a baby, Dr. Hofkosh recalls, ''we drove around for an hour-and-a-half in a pouring rainstorm because I couldn't deal with the crying anymore. I figured it was better than sitting home and waiting it out.''
Use a baby carrier. ''Some babies love the close comfort of being held on your chest in a front pack,'' says Dr. Hofkosh. ''Some parents like the backpack, but it may be better if the baby's front is in contact with Mommy or Daddy. It's also convenient. You can get things done with the baby sleeping there. I know I ate many meals with my daughters in a front pack.''
Change positions . . . but not too much. Like the rest of us, babies can get bored or uncomfortable staying in the same position, says Lottie Mendelson, R.N., a pediatric nurse practitioner in Portland, Oregon, and coauthor of The Complete Book of Parenting, with her husband, Robert. Some babies like to be vertical on your shoulder, while others like to peer at the world from your lap. But don't switch too frequently, says Dr. Hofkosh. ''Some babies take a longer time to adapt to a particular position so you need to avoid going quickly from one to the next.'' Give the baby time to figure out whether she feels okay in the new position, advises Mendelson.
Turn down the light and noise. Babies who are easily overstimulated--or those who have had a big day full of strange faces and voices and a lot of handling--may need a little time to decompress, particularly before bed, says Dr. Hofkosh. By turning down the lights and keeping voices low, you can help the overstimulated baby relax.
Don't plug cries with food. ''It's very satisfying for parents who hear a baby cry to be able to do something about it, and feeding is the most primal nurturing activity we can do,'' says Dr. Hofkosh. But she advises against feeding as the first response to a baby's cry. Babies do cry when they're hungry, but that's far from the only reason, notes Dr. Hofkosh. A baby who cries when she's bored will probably stop crying if you nurse or give her a bottle, but you will miss the opportunity to learn what her cries really mean and you'll be training her to think of eating as something you do when you're bored.
As a rule of thumb, says Dr. Hofkosh, most breastfed babies feed every 90 minutes to 2 hours and bottle-fed babies can often wait 2 to 2½ hours between feedings. ''If she cries sooner than that, it makes sense to try other things before offering food again,'' says Dr. Hofkosh.
Take a break. It's almost impossible for parents to remain calm when they have a crying baby on their hands. Every ''wah'' seems to be saying, '' You're a bad parent.'' But you're not a bad parent if you're child is crying, especially if you've done everything you can to console him,'' says Dr. Mendelson. ''A truly fussy baby is often inconsolable, which can drive parents crazy.''
Parents need to make sure they get regular breaks from a fussy baby, he suggests. Arrange to get an hour or two off daily--and possibly an entire afternoon off once a week--leaving the baby with a grandparent or trusted babysitter. And have an occasional evening out with your partner just to recharge.
Remember, this too shall pass. ''Recognize that crying, especially in a challenging baby, is time-limited,'' says Dr. Hofkosh. ''Tell yourself that you can help your baby be okay even though he's the kind who cries all the time. Remind yourself it isn't a personality trait that's going to last forever.''
Give them some time. After a baby is 12 weeks old, you can begin to change your strategy. Rushing to comfort a crying baby or child at the first peep deprives her of a wonderful learning experience, says Dr. Christophersen. If you take care of her every need, she'll never learn how to calm herself, he warns. ''The only way I know to reduce crying is by teaching self-quieting skills,'' he says. So wait a few minutes--how long is dictated by your tolerance for crying--to see if the baby can find a way to quiet herself. If she's not in true discomfort, a baby over the age of about 12 weeks will often distract herself by playing with her feet, sucking her thumb or examining her surroundings rather than screaming for you.
Put your baby to bed awake. Bedtime is often the best time to teach babies how to self-quiet, says Dr. Christophersen. Though there's a real temptation to nurse or rock babies to sleep, parents and babies eventually pay the price of sleepless nights (and cranky next days) because the baby comes to associate nursing or rocking with falling asleep. That may be fine at 8:00 P.M., but it's not such a pleasure at 3:00 A.M. when the baby begins crying for her ''sleeping pill,'' in the form of a long rocking session.
''If a baby nurses before bedtime and gets drowsy, carry her, maybe bounce her around a little, talk to her, change her diaper, wipe her gums and put her to bed,'' says Dr. Christophersen. ''She may go, ' Wah, wah wah,' and then she'll be gone. Best of all, she'll learn how to put herself to sleep. And if you know your baby can self-quiet, you won't feel like you're abandoning her.''
Take your baby out of the crib before he cries. ''A lot of parents use their babies as a snooze alarm,'' says Dr. Christophersen. ''After 12 weeks, many babies who once woke up crying wake up babbling. But their parents don't pick them up until they cry. That teaches the child he has to cry before you'll pick him up. I'd much rather have parents teach children they get picked up for babbling and cooing, not for screaming.
Fly The Nest
Children grow up to become young people. And sooner or later, young people leave home. They may move out to live alone or with friends. They may leave to go to college or to work. Whatever the reason and whatever their age, it can leave you with mixed emotions. You may be relieved at having some time and space, finally, to yourself. Or you may feel at a loose end, as if your whole reason for living had walked out of the door.
You may feel guilty at being happy they're gone - or guilty at feeling bad about it. But it is very necessary that you let your children spread their wings and explore the world around. Here are simple steps both parents and their kids need to take to make their lives more productive, fulfilling and healthy.
For Parents
Big changes are most difficult when they take us by surprise. If your children are unprepared, they may make a bit of hash of it. Get them ready by helping them to manage for themselves. It's never too early to do this - or too late.
Drawing boundaries
Parents need to put down boundaries and stick to them. Children often assume the victim role and say, "I can't do it. I have to live here." Parents buy into this thinking, and then feel guilty because they want to help their kids. When they feed that guilt, they ignore the fact that they are crippling their children's advancement in life.
Five-year plan
Parents should not try to make a life plan for their adult children; this is something they need to devise on their own so they will follow it. Parents can guide and support their kids, but treating them like babies may cause them to regress. They need to be moving ahead and maturing, not regressing into childhood roles. Adult kids should be living as independent young people and making their own way. They need to decide for themselves what they want out of life, and devise a plan to obtain it.
Help them out
There is an old saying: "Those for whom you do the most, wind up resenting you the worst." Are you really helping your kids if you're not showing them how the real world works? Parents need to redefine what it means to help someone. Look at your motivation for helping your children. If you are doing it to feel better about yourself, then you probably don't have your child's best interest in mind.
Be prepared
When we talk about loving our children, loving them means preparing them. In the world, your children will have to pull their own weight and make their own way. If you allow them not to require more from themselves, then they won't, and they won't progress. It is important for your children to learn self-sufficiency, develop high self-esteem and be motivated from early on in life. If you are constantly helping them and taking care of their needs, you are not preparing them for the real world, and in fact, you are actually crippling them. It's not fair to enable them for a long, long time and then all of a sudden just put them on the street. You own the problem as well. There's got to be a plan. There's got to be a transition.
For Adult Children
Take responsibility for yourself
Oftentimes it is easier to sit back and let others provide for you, while you get accustomed to a comfort zone. By taking the path of least resistance, you reward yourself with comfort and relief from anxiety that comes from reaching for something else. You may feel safe when you don't attempt to change, but you are sabotaging yourself. You are selling out your happiness and putting up with something you don't want. Require more of yourself.
Have a plan to get on your own
Find a job, something that gives you the pride and independence to be able to say, "I am taking care of myself." Start living where you can get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "I'm a grown person; I'm living on my own and I'm proud of that." Start at an entry-level position if you have to, and then build from there. You need to get whatever job you can, and then build for another job.
Preparation time
Here is how you can prepare your children for that daily struggle
• Discuss with them how you would like to help them, and what they need to do to manage. You may, for instance, agree that their room is now off limits to you, with a few provisons. You'll allow them to keep it as they want, if they agree to put dirty clothes in the basket and bring dirty cups back to the kitchen. If they don't, it's down to them, not you, when they've nothing clean to wear and you can't give them breakfast
• You might also ask that common territory - living room, kitchen and bathroom - be kept tidy
• Take them household shopping so they can see how much everyday essentials such as toothpaste and washing up liquid costs - and how often it needs to be bought
• Discuss with them how you'll hand over the responsibility of managing their own money, little by little. Start by Increasing the amount and making it clear that covers special, non-essential clothes
• If they make a mistake, don't bale them out. Allow them to experience the results of their actions, to learn how to do better. So the first time they blow an entire month's allowance leaving them skint and in trouble, don't rescue them. Being unable to join their friends on a night out is the best way to learn
NUTRITION TIPS for KIDS
Nutrition tips for kids
Many more children are being diagnosed with high cholesterol, or as overweight or obese. These conditions can cause many health problems for your child such as diabetes and high blood pressure, both now and as he or she moves into adulthood.
By helping your child eat a healthy diet and exercise regularly, you can reduce his or her risk of experiencing these health problems.
How can help a child eat right?
If you prepare healthy foods for your family and eat healthy foods yourself, your child will eat healthier, too.
Make sure to prepare a variety of foods, so your family gets all the vitamins and minerals their bodies need to function properly.
What are some examples of healthy meals?
Breakfast: The first meal of the day is a good time to give your child foods that are high in fiber. Whole-grain breads, cereals, fruit, low-fat or nonfat cheeses and yogurt are also good breakfast foods. Use skim or low-fat milk rather than whole or 2% milk. Fruit juice is usually high in calories and has less nutrients than whole fruit (fresh or canned).
Lunch: Use whole-grain breads and rolls to make a healthier sandwich. Whole grains increase the total fiber in your child's diet and are less processed than enriched white bread. Give your child whole-grain crackers with soups, chili and stew, and always serve fresh fruit (with the skin) with meals instead of chips or other high-calorie options.
Here are some ways to make healthier sandwiches:
- Use low-fat or fat-free lunch meats. They are good in sandwiches or cut into strips on top of a salad.
- Buy leaner meats, such as turkey, chicken or veggie dogs.
- Put leftover chicken or turkey strips in a tortilla to make a cold fajita (add strips of raw red and green peppers and onions). Use fat-free sour cream as a dressing.
- Stuff a pita-bread "pocket" with vegetables, fat-free cheese and bits of leftover grilled chicken.
- Cut up vegetables such as onion, carrot, celery and green peppers to add to tuna salad. Mix vegetables and water-packed tuna with fat-free mayonnaise or, for a different taste, mix with a fat-free salad dressing.
- Chunky bits of leftover chicken mixed with fat-free mayonnaise, raisins, shredded carrots and sliced almonds is a great chicken salad. Serve it in a pita-bread pocket. Top it with salsa for a Southwestern flavor.
- Mix cranberry sauce and fat-free mayonnaise to add to a turkey sandwich.
- When buying peanut butter, choose an "all-natural" option. For jelly, buy one that 100% fruit and does not contain high fructose corn syrup. This will make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches much healthier.
- Sliced ham and low-fat or fat-free cheese with mustard is great on rye bread.
- Low-fat cheese makes a good sandwich with tomato slices and mustard or fat-free mayonnaise on a whole-grain roll.
- Slice leftover pork tenderloin and top with barbecue sauce for a hot or cold sandwich.
- Make grilled-cheese sandwiches with low-fat or fat-free cheese and serve them with raw carrot and celery sticks.
What snacks are good for child?
Fruits, vegetables, whole grains and low- or nonfat dair also make great snacks for children. Here are some ideas for ways to serve these foods to your kids:
Fruits:
- Bits of fruit stirred into nonfat yogurt
- Strawberries
- Raisins
- Grapes
- Pineapple chunks
- Orange or grapefruit sections
- Bananas cooked lightly in apple juice
- Apple slices with all natural peanut butter
- Dried fruit mixes
Vegetables:
- Carrot sticks
- Celery sticks with all natural peanut butter
- Raw broccoli and cauliflower florets with a low-fat dip or salsa
Protein:
- 1% fat or fat-free cottage cheese or ricotta cheese
- Water-packed tuna mixed with fat-free mayonnaise on top of celery sticks or whole-grain crackers
- Fat-free yogurt topped with sunflower seeds, chopped dried fruit or a spoonful of oat bran
Whole grains:
- Cereals or cereal bars that are low in sugar and fat, and high in fiber and protein
- Whole-grain crackers, breads or bagels
Sweets and desserts:
- Fat-free frozen yogurt
- Juice bars
- Sherbet and sorbet